I Don’t Like Doing This on Sunday

27 Jan 2013 6 Comments

by lexa in natural hair Tags: , , , , , , ,

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November 17, 2012, marks the beginning of my son’s loc journey. I am amazed by how quickly his hair is growing and at how beautiful his hair looks. The above picture is his locs immediately after a shampoo AND after professional maintenance.

Although football season has ended, basketball season is in effect. Work, laundry, cooking, and cleaning leaves little time for salon visits. So when KinHairitage Salon offered me a Sunday appointment for his hair, I jumped at the opportunity.

My son, on the other hand, did not appreciate leaving Nickelodeon, the comfort of his bed, and his Sony PS3 game. “Mom, I don’t like doing this on Sunday!” “This” being getting his hair styled on Sunday. His appointment wasn’t until 11 a.m., so I thought that I was doing good. Apparently not. Anyway, Sunday worked best this week, so it is what it is.

Enjoy the day!

Do not enter unless you are brown

17 Feb 2012 3 Comments

by lexa in Family Living Tags: , , , , , , , ,

When it comes to educating children, I am a firm believer that the opportunity to learn takes place more often in the absence of a formal curriculum.

It is the everyday life experiences that present these opportunities for parents to teach children good values and to develop them to become moral, socially conscious and responsible adults.

My husband and I are open-minded and enjoy relationships with a diverse and unique group of friends.  Race and ethnicity is never a criterion for friendships.

So imagine our surprise when one of two signs on our son’s door read, “Do not enter unless you are Tailor! or brown and knock!”

Unbeknownst to us, before leaving for school, he’d taped the signs on his bedroom door.  No one else in the house has a do not enter signs on their door.

We were okay with the first sign, but it was the second sign we took issue with. Not wanting to jump to conclusions, we decided to get clarification from him after school.

When I asked our son about the sign referring to “brown” people, he did not speak.  I made sure to ask in a non-confrontational or threatening way because I really wanted to determine exactly what he was thinking when he wrote the sign.  The moment I questioned him, I think he sensed something wasn’t right about his actions.

I reassured him that it was okay to speak his mind.  So he did.

“Mom, I’ve only had brown people in my room.  I’ve never had anyone white in my room.”

That was a wow for me!  I thought about it and told him that wasn’t true and reminded him of another friend that visits occasionally.  He said, “Oh yeah!  I forgot about him.”  Our conversation continued as I questioned him about how he’d feel if he went to a friend’s house and the friend had a sign posted on their door that stated, “Do not enter unless you are white.”  He commented that he would be angry.  I asked why and said that it wouldn’t be nice or fair.  I talked to him about the importance of treating people the way that he wants others to treat him.

The conversation continued into a talk about treating everyone the same, regardless of their skin color, religion, etc…

My son’s intentions were not malice in writing the sign.  It was an innocent act based on his perceptions and realities that occur on a daily basis around him.  With the exception of the summer and holidays, most of the school aged visitors to his room, look like him; they are brown and are usually family members.

When situations like this occur, it is critical that we avoid laughing it off with the notion that kids will be kids.  It’s vital that we teach our children a better way to think and to view others.  Ignoring these types of incidents gradually and informally teach our children to develop racists and bigotry attitudes toward others.  It may seem cute when they are young (which I don’t think it is), but when we’re confronted by adults with negative, discriminatory, and racists attitudes most are appalled and highly offended.

It’s scary with our kids, because when they’re younger, we control their environment and what they are exposed to.  However, once they reach high school and sometimes before, their friends often have a greater influence over them their own parents the peer pressure can be intense.  Once can deny this if they want, but it is true.

How do we counteract this tragic trend?  I say by talking to our children every day and trying not to judge or react to their shocking comments, questions or opinions.  That’s not always easy, but if we stay conscious of this fact, it can help.

Our son knows that both mom and dad question him every single day about school.  Sometimes his response is, “fine.”  But he can expect us to probe more into his day.  In turn, he asks about our work day.  I try to remember what I expect of him and give details about my day… even when I really want to say, “Fine.”

My last thought on this post is that his action is another excellent reminder that the unspoken, our actions, are even more powerful than what we say… Stay conscious!

Related reads

http://loveisntenough.com/

http://teens.lovetoknow.com/Facts_on_Peer_Pressure

http://life.familyeducation.com/diversity/parenting/34461.html

Random momology

02 Feb 2012 8 Comments

by lexa in Family Living, Healthy Eating Tags: , , , , , ,

This post is in good spirits; no complaints here!  I felt the need to share some of my random thoughts today.

Every single week I go about the business of being super mom.  No, I’m not trying in any way shape or form trying to be super mom, nor do I even like the term.   Apparently, it just comes off that way… or at least that’s what I suspect my family might be thinking.  Shame on them!  Maybe shame on me too!  Lol!

Predictably, Friday nights are dedicated to laundry.  Why?  Because I don’t want to deal with dirty clothes, etc… on my days off.  If I get it done by Friday bedtime (whatever time I collapse), then I’m set until the following week.

My family has the luxury, and that’s exactly what it is… a luxury of having nutritious, delectable, and balanced meals at least five to six days per week.  And… it’s usually on the table by 5ish!   No junk food!   No prefab unidentifiable dish from a box, but real homemade meals.  Did I mention that I work full-time outside of the home?  Just checking—sometimes I have to remind my family of this, fact.

Careful planning enables me to get more, but not everything, done than time really permits.  Sometimes I feel as though I really am squeezing blood from an onion.  Rarely do we run out of necessities such as bread, cereal, etc…   I am however, guilty of forgetting to pay the utility bills.   You know, gas and electric.  The big stuff that are difficult to live without.  I am dead serious.   As the official mail “sorter” if I don’t sort the mail, most of it it doesn’t get sorted, and if it doesn’t get sorted… well, you know the story. The utilities won’t get paid!  It’s absolutely absurd.  Embarrassing, but true.  There have been a few occasions where I happened to stumble on a disconnection notice… not due to lack of funds… but lack of time!  Yeah, I know I’m working on electronic bill pay for everything. I’m not quite comfortable with automatic and electronic deductions from my bank account, but I’m strongly considering the option.

Enough babbling!

Last Sunday, I decided to put ME first!

Normally, it’s the opposite.  I ate first.  No one in my home is interested in eating organic steel cut oats, with blueberries, flax-seed, wheat germ, and bee pollen, so I ate first and worked on breakfast later.  I did everything that I wanted to do first.  I happily and defiantly put everything that needed to be done off.  I even completed a six-mile run through the neighborhood.  I returned home at 5 p.m.   The same time that dinner is usually on the table.  I started dinner around 5:30 p.m.  Everyone was chillin and lying around like they didn’t have a care in the world, so I just took my sweet old-time.  Dinner ended up being served a little after 7 p.m. and while no one complained, they got to the table quicker than usual!  I like!

“Mom, you need 25/8,” were my daughter’s comments to me last night.  Referencing to Mary J. Blige’s new song, she recognizes that I’m a busy working mom.  Sidebar:  not much of an offer to ease the burden, but if you’re living with a young adult, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  (Chuckle)

While Mary needs 25/8 to love her man, I need 25/8  to handle my business.

Since I can’t get 25/8, I’ll simply fine-tune my priorities again.

On Sunday, putting me first and getting through my task list, including working out prevented self –inflicted anxiety and resentment.   Why self-inflicted?  Because I set goals for myself and when I don’t accomplish those goals, I tend to get frustrated. I don’t think anyone in the household consciously cares, they just subconsciously reap the benefits. No judgement; just an oberservation.

To make things easier at home, the past umpteen years, I’ve made major changes to my home/family routine.   Still- old habits die-hard!  Part of my problem, oops!  I mean “challenge” (I prefer to view so-called problems as challenges) is that I am a perfectionist.   I strive for it; I don’t try to be it.  I just want things done right not half-ass.

Delegating is an option, but I still want it done right.  Is that so bad?  Who defines what right is? Me?  Hmm… is that part of the issue?   Just thinking on paper…..

Now then, soon, I will be checking into a plush hotel for a “me” day and I’m going to do whatever I want to do; most likely nothing other than read or write.   In error, I told my hubby my plan, he said, “we” should do that.  “We?”  Who said anything about “we?”  This isn’t a “I’m going to entertain you day!”  It’s an “I’m going to entertain myself day.”  OMG!  Literally ROTFL!  (Rolling on the floor laughing)   Is that hilarious or what?  Of course I love my hubby and enjoy time with him, but sometimes we girls need time alone.  Since my home is always occupied, I will find a vacancy elsewhere.  The change in scenery will be good,  much-needed, and will perfectly recharge my battery.   Oh boy!  I can’t wait! Lol!

 

Bridging the gap: one step at a time

24 Jan 2012 4 Comments

by lexa in Family Living, Fitness, Inspiration Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

In high school, my addiction to running started and continued to intensify as I grew older.  Thirty some years later, I haven’t shaken the addiction, but I’ve found that the emotional high that I get from running helps in other areas of my life. Running relieves stress in a positive way. Running instantly clears my mind and always helps me to find solutions to many quandaries and other things on mind. Thankfully, running keeps me fit.

When my daughter was as young as ten or maybe younger, she gingerly rode her bike alongside me as I ran.  How far?  Five miles.   You might think that’s far, but she completed the ride with ease.  Like me, her body grew conditioned to the ride.  The ride served two purposes:  1. Instead of sitting in front of the T.V., she was outside exercising taking in lots of fresh air.  2.  Most importantly, we enjoyed quality time together.  Due to work and school, quality time was a rarity, so the five-mile ride/run gave us that time.

As she grew older, she took on swimming and decided that running wasn’t her thing.  I was cool with that because I’m not big on pushing my kids into an activity where they show no interest.  Hubby and I always let our children decide which activities they wish to take part in.  Our nine-year old wants to box now, so… we’re looking for a boxing class.  Is that my first choice, NO!    But, that’s what he wants to do so, we’ll roll with it.  Where did he get boxing from?  I have no idea.

Although my daughter is older (22), we still experience peaks and valleys in our relationship.  That’s normal and typical. I’m convinced that moms and daughters have this chip special chip in our DNA.  Lol!  The chips aren’t always in sync.  When they are in sync, everything is dreamy and fabulous. But when those chips malfunction, all hell breaks loose!  Lately the chip has been in the malfunction mode, but I have faith that the chips will soon re-sync.

For the first time, at least that I can remember, we actually ran together.  We both planned an outdoor run, but were initially unaware of the others plan.  When I realized that her plan was to run outside, I invited her to run with me.

Bundled up for a run - January 2012

The air was cool, about 36 degrees and there was a moderate breeze blowing.  We adjusted our iTunes play lists and I set my MapMyRun application on my phone.  Geez!  Years ago, I’d have no clue about how technology would impact my daily jogging routine.

As we set out, step-by-step for our run, we unknowingly left our differences behind.  We shared a common goal of enjoying the afternoon sun, opening our lungs to the crisp fresh winter air, and finishing the run with a set distance in mind.

Having a lengthy relationship with running, my body is typically ready to kick into gear.  The endorphins set in and I want to eagerly glide with the wind.  Only a conditioned runner can tell you about the days when you feel like you could literally run for hours.  Remember earlier that I said that running is an addiction!  Hehe!   However, my daughter being a novice runner worked to find her rhythm and successfully ploughed forward.

Periodically I checked to make sure that she was with me and was proud of her for not giving up.  I know that she wanted to, but she pushed herself.  Out there on the street, I forgot all about our recent challenges, differences of opinions, and the like.

It wasn’t until later that I realized something.

While running, I did not allow the gap between us to become too big!  Bingo!  Monitor our relationship the same way and minimize the gap as much as possible.

Of course, the day-to-day activity in monitoring and bridging the gap is often more challenging, but in reality, I need to apply the same principles that I do when I run 13 miles–  Take one step at a time. Translation:  One day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time.  I’m committed.

A visit from the tooth fairy

07 Jul 2011 2 Comments

by lexa in Family Living Tags: , , , , ,

 

Recently my eight year old was visited by the tooth fairy.  In exchange for his tooth; he received $5.00.

The next morning our son mentioned the tooth fairy’s visit.  “What am I supposed to do with $5.00?  I can’t buy anything with $5.00” he commented to his dad. He spoke earnestly and respectfully. He then
took the $5.00 bill and placed it on the night stand in our bedroom.

When my son came down stairs for breakfast, I asked him how much money should the tooth fairy have left.  ”$20.00!!” was his reply.

At the risks of sounding like my mother, “when I was growing
up, I would have been lucky to get $.50!”  “These kids today are so darn ungrateful… blah… blah.. blah…”   As a kid, I probably would have gotten popped in the mouth for such honesty.  However, I’ve since learned to recognize these moments as learning opportunities for me and my children and not opportunities to berate them.

Although the thought of a tooth fairy leaving $20 in our home is hysterical and unrealistic, I managed to contain my laughter until later.

Since time did not permit for any in-depth conversation that morning, I reserved a discussion for later that afternoon.

After school I asked my son about the $5.00.  He recounted a completely different story, in his favor or course, from the one that my husband told.  He’s a smart kid and realized the impact of
his actions. Before I could respond to his version of the story he says the following:

“Mom, I realize that I could
use the $5.00 to buy some orange tic tacs. The last time I was at the store, the lady (cashier) told me that next time I could buy them for $2.  I changed my mind, tell dad that I want my$5.00 back. “

My instincts told me that he’d be back looking for the money, so before I left the house that morning, I moved the money.  When my son came home in the afternoon, he immediately went to get the money, but it was gone.  I’m so glad!  Lol!

I learned a few things from this incident.

  1. The tooth fairy is a wakeup call for me to better
    teach my son about the value of a dollar.
  2. A visit to Five Below or the dollar store with
    my son will show him how much he really can buy with $5.00.
  3. My son initially turned down the $5 because he
    had a specific toy that he wanted to buy. He knew the toy costs more than $5, so he was disappointed that he still didn’t have enough money to buy it.  He’s
    still learning about saving money to buy what he wants.
  4. To continue to strive to teach my son about
    gratitude and that giving is far more rewarding than receiving.
  5. As a parent, I need to continue to laugh and to see
    humor in the challenges of raising a child.

I’m not sure what will happen if the tooth fairy returns. If she returns, she’ll probably leave even less money.  Honestly, I thought $5 was too much money or am I just old fashion?  Can anyone out there enlighten me?  What is the going rate for the tooth fairy in 2011?

Mother May I…

20 Jan 2010 5 Comments

by lexa in Family Living Tags: , , , , ,

>Have you considered inviting your mother to live with you? It’s been nearly six years since my husband and I moved my 76 year old mother in with us. With idealistic intentions and unrealistic expectations, we welcomed her into our home. I’m not quite sure where to begin, but I will start by saying, think long and carefully before you take this step. We are at a juncture now, where we think we made a mistake.
At the time of  Mother’s move in- Yes, I’ve been teased by family and friends, because I call her “mother” not “mom”, but both my brother and I have always called her that. Anyway, when she moved in, our household consisted of my husband and I, our 15 year old daughter, 2 ½ year old son, and 3 ½ year foster child, whom we were trying to adopt. Oh yeah, our cup ran over! From the very beginning, she tried to take the lead role. She believed that we invited her to move in because we needed a matriarch of sort to run our home. She wasn’t even close to the mark and perhaps we didn’t make ourselves clear enough as to why the invitation was extended. We were concerned about her living alone. She’s self sufficient and still drives her relatively new car; however, she has (unspoken) tendencies that would require someone to periodically check on her.

Just as there are layers to ones personality, there are deep layers to this process and each time I think I’ve got a phase or layer down pat, another springs on me like a teenager drifting through puberty. It just never stops. Sigh… Then there are the feelings of guilt. I often think, okay, I know I gave my mother hell as a teenager, she made sacrifices for me growing up, I gave her a run for her money, and so what’s up Tanya, stop whining, bite the bullet, shut up, and do what you’re suppose to do… “Honor thy mother…” “.. and thy days may be longer…” No disrespect, but the days seem longer and longer. Ha! It sounds good, but none of that stuff is working for me.

The dynamics of a home changes when anyone moves in, but especially so, when it’s a mother. You take for granted those discrete conversations between husband and wife that occurred openly in your home. Those conversations must now move behind the closed doors of the closed doors. Spontaneous intimate moments tend to be more spontaneously planned moments. You might be subjected to frequent reminders of your inability to raise children and run a household. Your quick fixes for dinner on hectic days may be viewed as neglect. Your lack of desire to physically punish your child may be taken as “sparing the rod & spoiling the child.” There’s a constant reminder that you’re not doing things the way she does them, which really means, that you’re not handling your business the right way. You might be thinking that these moments are no different than when you have children, but there are differences; you can control the movements of your children, you cannot control the movements of an adult.

I’ve already told our daughter, who is now a junior in college, to value her education, to be passionate about her career, and if a time comes, where she has to move us in, make sure she has an in-law’s quarters at her home. We’ll need our own tiny kitchen, a bathroom, and a bedroom. I want to give her and her family their space. I have a strong personality and, with the exception of a few things, am very capable of following in my mothers footsteps. I don’t even want to go there!

The tone of this post may not sound like it, but those around me will tell you that I am an upbeat, positive, optimistic person who loves to laugh.  Perhaps for some people, as they age, they see the darker side of life; while others are thankful that they are alive and well and enjoy every waking minute.  Mother, unfortunately, is not the later.  I’m not sure why.  Yes, I’ve asked and only receive bitterness and anger that she cannot get past.

I try to look at the brighter side of life. The glass is always half full. My mother is alive, where my father died when I was age 17. Mother is healthy and can do for herself. Mother has healthy siblings nearby that she can hang out with and talk to on the telephone. My mother has 76 years of wisdom to share. Mother is happy? No. Yes, my glass is half full right now; however, the inner core of self is and has been feeling unfathomable turmoil and I cannot shake it. The home climate has changed from warm to cool. Mother, I love you dearly! Mother, may I help you find a place that is more comfortable for both of us?

 

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